The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
