Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
