so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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