Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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