You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
