he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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