yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Randomize
