I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
