Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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