I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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