Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
