I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
