Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Randomize
