he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
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