I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Randomize
