someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I think a kid would responsible me up
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
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