if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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