I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
