I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
