Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
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