He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
