you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
