I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
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