How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
did i just pee glitter
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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