We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.