I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
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Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
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You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.