All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I want to walk on stilts...naked
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
This couple is walking their pig around campus
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