i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
