I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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