he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
