I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
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