remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
