I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
