Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
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