I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
