He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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