god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
