Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
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