Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
