Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
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