there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Randomize
