your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize