I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
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