im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
