I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
