funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
