I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
