I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
