Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I'd wear matching sweaters with you
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Dignity is for republicans.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize