i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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