My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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