And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
