This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Randomize
