I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
